Sunday, July 17, 2011 the end of a 32 year old rope.

I have a problem. I have never personally sought help for this problem. That is, I mean to say, that I have ever sought professional psychological help for this very psychological problem. I believe that I have ADD. And although I was tested as a five or six or seven year old, I have never been tested as and adult. During the course of my adult as well as my young adult life, I don't think I really wanted to admit that I have ever really had a problem. Perhaps this is why I have refused to seek help or medication.

When I was a kid and my mom got me prescribed for ADD meds, I would always refuse to take
them. In my adult life I have always said that I didn't want to get on ADD meds because I was
scared of possibly getting addicted. Apparently I have lying to my self. What it really boils down to is, I never really wanted to be bothered with the mundane and tedious task of always having to remember to get up from what ever it is I am doing, including just staring at a wall for an hour lost in what ever fantasy, and exert the energy of taking some dumb pill.

I will admit that I do not know for sure if I have ADD. Or if it is a real problem in my life or maybe I really am just that lazy, uncaring, and that selfish. None of which I ever wanted to be and all of which I so desperately want to over come. I don't know if I really have it because I have never been diagnosed as an adult. So I need to go see a specialist. Can't afford it as I currently have no insurance. Bummer.

What ever really is going on inside my head, it is affecting, and has been affecting my life in every facet, including my job(s), my relationship with friends and other people, and most importantly my girl friend.

I need some kind of help. I need help now. my problem is that I have to wait till my insurance kicks in at work, when I NEED HELP NOW! It's become unbearable living in a constant state of mental flux and depression because I can't complete the most simple task. Discipline. I long for
mental discipline.

I need help.

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